Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.