[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”