Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums