(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
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Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Lol
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*