(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
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never ask a starfish for directions
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
giddy up Office Depot
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter