Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

this makes me so uncomfortable

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.