Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

as is their right

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”