[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?