[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.