[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Mornin
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
what kind of cook setting is this??
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.