Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
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I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
back to work
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
getting groceries
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu