Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
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Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*