Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario
My driving instructor: no worries brother
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
