Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
the rocks need my help
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN