[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.