Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.