Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

You wish you had this many chins.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

“I FIXED IT!”

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.