Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Ummm
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Same pineapple, same
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My favorite farside!!
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.