Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

I’m awake but I object,

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Make your daily standup meeting shorter