Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Its a hippotatomus

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.