Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true