Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Poetry is my passion
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?