Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.