Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Cha-ching is my safe word

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.