Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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Had an epiphany today.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
He has no idea 🤡
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits