Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
You Might Also Like
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.