Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
How all things should be taught/explained.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me