Secret hideout busted…ππΎππ
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didnβt see that one coming.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
6 – Dad, why canβt you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold π
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will βLet It Goβ π
Me – π’
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said heβs turned evil and Iβm probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
What do you mean we βlostβ an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Iβm not saying I donβt love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasnβt almost exclusively said when sheβs pooping.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
in the song βthe final countdownβ they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Weβre all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: Thatβs not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?