Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.