Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.