Secret Panel HERE 🔪
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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load