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My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)