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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories