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10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017