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*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.