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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue