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I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
same but as an audience member
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets