Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…