Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done