Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
asking santa clause for nudes
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!