Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

fly smarter, not harder

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.

In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*

In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal