Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

I have taken up painting

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

hand it over!

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.