Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
You Might Also Like
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”