Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
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Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Good for him.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out