why isn’t he texting back
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Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
me doing my best
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Natty or not?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?