Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P