Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.