*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
You Might Also Like
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.