*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
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HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.