*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
You Might Also Like
What’s a Messi?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Traveler’s camo
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”