*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
No, I don’t think I will.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.