*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.