Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.