Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart