Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

every single time

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U