Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.