Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)