Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

this will hang in the louvre one day

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

mood

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human