Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

pizza

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Best mom ever 😂

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*