Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
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One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
why isn’t thunder called soundning
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
