Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
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Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope