security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.