security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
When news reporters do sports stories
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
