security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Love this guy
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Ha.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.