security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
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Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”