Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.