Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie