Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?