Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them