SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no