Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

You deplete me

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

Think I pulled my liver

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here