Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
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ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not