@truegritrumble

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

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@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@FINALLEVEL

ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.

@deardilettante

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

@treydayway

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

@alexlumaga

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

@duumb

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

@Divergentmama

How is cow tipping even a thing? If I was a cow, and someone came to tip me, I would just moooooooove.

@IamEveryDayPpl

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

@BigJDubz

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not