SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I only treason on days ending in y
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.